One of the best things about bars is also one of the worst: you never know who you’re going to meet. For every Cute Girl Who Seems to Legitimately Laugh at All Your Jokes (who may or may not be the grown-up equivalent of the Summer camp gf from Canada), there are plenty of people the bar could do without: the ones who ruin everything from the simple ordering of a drink, to your entire night.
So you should peruse this comprehensive list of every watering hole’s worst inhabitants, realize you know every single one of them already, then make sure you’re not The Lurker.
The Guy Looking For a Fight
Yes, I did bump into you. I’m sorry, but there are 300 people jockeying for space. No, I don’t want to take this outside, I just genuinely think that Affliction shirt is stylish.
The Drink Over-Orderer
“Complex syrup” isn’t even a thing.
The Guy Reading an Extremely Thick Paperback Novel Who Is Seemingly Surprised Other People Are Talking Near Him
Everyone is extremely impressed that you can keep re-reading Ken Follett’s surprisingly graphic sex scenes.
The Match.com Date
The awkwardness is palpable.
The OK Cupid Date
The awkwardness is palpable but they’re probably gonna have sex anyway.
The Girl Waiting for Her Tinder Date
The awkwardness is about to be palpable any minute once this dude gets done with his other Tinder date. Definitely having sex though.
The Bachelor Party
Why aren’t you in Vegas, you poors?
The Bachelorette Party
Why aren’t you in Vegas, you… whoa, did that girl just show her boobs?
The Juke Box Overuser
Stop pumping in $20s just to play Jars of Clay’s entire discography.
Is he even here with anyone? He hasn’t spoken in 45mins. Check his shoes for skirt mirrors.
The Girl Who Insists on Ordering Mojitos in an Extremely Crowded Beer Bar
Also, it’s January, honey.
The Guy Who Hits on Every Girl at the Bar Strictly Because, Statistically Speaking, Eventually the Odds Will Start to Favor One of Them Saying Yes
Even if he usually doesn’t get past, “Hey, girl”.